While I am brainstorming about where my blog is going I thought I’d repost this. I kind of feel like this is part of the answer.
I’m not sure why it is but it seems that everytime the Lord is doing a new thing in me I feel like my heart is breaking. That is the way I have felt for the last several weeks during this time of renewal and refreshing. You see, the Lord revealed to me that in the last couple years I have allowed myself to build some walls again. Walls that went up because my heart had been broken by things I didn’t expect it to be broken by. Where I once was passionately working for the Lord with visions of doing things to help the hurting I found myself at a stand still. Where I awoke everyday to a total sense of fulfillment I now found myself empty and yearning for what once was. I had been so close to seeing the vision I had I could almost taste it. The plans for a place for battered and bruised women were all written down to almost the smallest detail including the name–a place where every woman who walked through the door would feel “special” for maybe the first time in their life. God had allowed me to be in contact with people who had specialties in this area that were unbelievable. The meetings were conducted and it seemed that things were in place for it to begin to come about and I believed with all my heart that it would. It didn’t. It seemed to have stopped dead in its tracks. I felt like I had been sent to the desert to wander for forty years and as each year went by another wall went up. They were walls to keep out anymore disappointment, anymore betrayal, anymore sense of failure. My vision it seemed had become my enemy. “How could you think you were capable of doing something that big for the Lord?” I allowed the enemy to tell me. ”So you think you were called to ministry?”, I heard out of the darkness. But God. But God. But God. Those words alone can pull me out and tear down walls. Moses had to write the Ten Commandments twice didn’t he? Weren’t the first tablets shattered? I have to remind myself that I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses–those who went before me to show me what faith is. Hebrews 11:1 says “Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed in the senses]. It was my faith I believe that gave me the ability to see this vision and tho I may have allowed it to go dim it is still there and each day as I re-strengthen myself in the Word, [Jesus], I begin to see it again through my spiritual eyes. In my own strength I am probably one of God’s weakest vessels but I believe in Him[Jesus] “all things are possible“. (Matt 19:26) So as I move forward I seek the Lord’s wisdom to go where He desires me to be and where He desires me to serve. No more walls. I “choose” to walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Cor 5:7)
Lord, “Look upon me, be merciful unto me, and show me favor, as is Your way to those who love Your name. Establish my steps and direct them by [means of] Your word; let not any iniquity have dominion over me. ( Psalm 133:132-133 Amp.)