I woke up this morning in “one of those moods”. You know, the kind that make you start asking questions about why things are going the way they are. I guess it’s the residue of the last couple weeks of just experiencing life. My husband had an injury on the job and of course my mind right away went to the “what ifs?”. Will he have to have surgery, will he be able to continue doing the job he’s doing, can he transfer to an easier job so he won’t have to continue to do heavy lifting at his age (4 years from retirement)? Well I hate to say that kept us consumed the whole week he was off but he was able to go back to work yesterday and he says his shoulder feels like it’s improving so that is good. I’m not sure why panic sets in. I had visions of having to go back to work myself so we could have medical insurance after being on disability for the last two years and wondering if I have the physical strength needed to go back into the work world. So instead of enjoying my time with my husband last week while he was off it ended up being one of those tense times for us. I had to keep telling myself that I had to trust the Lord in this situation but kept trying to take control of it once again. Will I ever be able to release all control to Him? I so desire to be able to do that.
Well, then this past Friday after my husband came home from the Dr. and said he was released to go back to work I took a little sigh of relief and took my dog out for his daily walk. While on this walk one of the menacing dogs of the neighborhood came running and lunging out of his yard and before I knew it I was trying to kick him off of my poor little dog who is two thirds of this dog’s size. I once again went into the panic mode when I saw all the blood under his left leg and after taking him to the vet to get stitched up and an Elizabethan collar put on those old “what if’s” came back again. What it this damages his leg, what if he gets sick, what if he’s scared of other dogs for now on, what if the owner of the dog tries to cause trouble when we go to court for a viscious dog report and so on. Then I began questioning myself again, “Why do you allow yourself to live in the “what ifs”?
As I looked back over my life I began to see that a lot of this started when growing up with a diabetic mother. In my younger years her health was pretty good but when she was thirty-eight years old she became pregnant with my baby brother and her diabetes became totally out of control during this period when she almost died several times after going into insulin shock. Me being the oldest at the time became the substitute mother to my younger siblings and helper to my Father for the things needed done in the home while still trying to excel in school. That’s when I think my “what ifs” started to begin to control me. Those “what ifs” were what if my Mother dies and we have a little baby, what if my baby brother is not healthy, what if something happens to my Father and we’re left to fend for ourselves? I know, it sounds dramatic but it is something that I truly lived and seems to have followed me through the rest of my life. As I try to chuckle a little it brings to mind that old song by Bread called “If”. Maybe I listened to that too many times. Ha! Ha! By the way, my mother just had her eightieth birthday and my brother is now 41 years old and has his own six year old son.
So, I guess what I am trying to express today is that I need to give my “what ifs” to God. As soon as that “what if” comes into my mind and before I let it begin to control me I need to say, “I trust you Lord”. “I give this to you Lord”. “I will not dwell on this Lord but I will think on things that are true and noble.” When Jesus was presented with the temptations of Satan He said, “It is written” over and over. Perhaps I just need to say “it is written” because when I say those three words invariably the Holy Spirit will bring scripture to my remembrance. So moving forward today I am asking the Lord to help me to conquer the “what if” syndrome as I determine to replace “what if” by “it is written.”
Lord, on this day I relinquish this issue of not trusting you in these situations and dwelling on all the “what ifs”. “It is written” in Romans 8:28 ” And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Lord I know that I am called according to your purpose for me and I thank you for your mercy and grace upon my life. Amen